BWN Special Correspondent
HEIDELBERG, GERMANY…(GCO)–Although popular tradition has it that The Grimm Brothers collected the Sleeping Beauty tale from local peasants, recent archaeological finds in parts of Moldova (which has a serious problem admitting that it is part of Romania) have shown that Snow White was a real Moldovan Princess whose given name was unpronounceable.
One of the proofs of her existence is alleged to be a secret journal which Princess White kept from age 8 until she died from the Carpathian Cringe in 1906 at the age of either 87 or 91. Professor Ernst Vanderfleen has shocked the world of fairy tales and children’s fiction by making allegations that allege Snow White might as well have been named Princess Slightly Shade of Grey.
In a recent interview with this reporter Professor Vanderfleen puffed on his Punch Rare Corojo cigar and said, “The Grimm boys were in it for the almighty Deutchsmark. They figured if the real White tale were told, they’d be run out of Germany on a rail.” He leaned forward and whispered, “They left out the other princes.”
“Other princes?” I asked, staggered.
“Oh, the folks at Disney colluded with the fiction and only showed Charming, but dropped his brothers out altogether. To make it a family film.”
“Prince Charming had brothers?”
“It’s all in my book which is gonna be in the stores for Christmas. Look, fellah, Prince Charming was the last to find Miss White unconscious in the glass box in the woods, under the spell of her wicked step-mother.”
“His brothers were first?”
Vanderfleen assented and said, “Prince Not-So Charming, according to Snow’s secret Diary, found her first and stared at her for an hour or so before opening the glass box and frosseling her glayparts.”
“I am still trying to find a linguist who can translate the archaic verb to frossel and the noun glaypart. However, owing to the fact that Princess White remarked that she feigned sleep and felt extremely good we must assume that frosseling was not an assault…exactly.”
“Why on earth did Snow White not declare her love for Prince Not-So Charming if he’d wakened her from the spell and frosseled so well?”
Professor Vanderfleen made a moue and shook his head. “In her journal, Snow at age 65 said she rued the day she didn’t run off with the first Prince in. But then came the second brother, Prince What The Fuck Are You Looking At?”
I shivered. “Dare I ask what Prince WTFAYLA? did?
Vanderfleen shook his head sadly. “Those pages were torn from the journal somewhere in the late 1700’s.”
“By whom?” I asked.
“My best guess is that the Dwarfs did it.”
“The 7 Dwarfs?”
“One or more of them. The fingerprints we lifted from the diary were pretty small and covered in gold and diamond dust from their mines. When the diary picked up Prince Charming had arrived and no one knows what became of the second Prince. All’s Charming did was kiss her and she pretended to wake up, figuring she’d pretty much run through the Charming family tree and her chances were getting slimmer for finding a husband.”
“Well, at least they lived happily ever after,” I intoned quietly.
“That’s what the Grimms would have us believe,” the kindly old Prof said with a sly wink and a finger laid against his nose. “Snow White, later Queen Charming, wrote every day of her wish that she had risen to the magical delights of Prince What The Fuck Are You Looking At? It was, for her, what Robert Frost called, The Road Not Taken. Sometimes Life only gives you one look in the horse’s mouth.”
Professor Ernst Vanderfleen’s bombshell book will be on the shelves just in time for the perfect stocking stuffer.