Rectum?  It nearly killed him!

VATICAN CITY–Following his weekly prayer, Pope Francis stuck around to entertain the crowd of nearly 10,000 with a 45 minute stand up set that touched on a range of topics including pedophile priests and Boko Haram.

“His Holiness did this bit about Bill Cosby joining Boko Haram,” said John Martin, who was visiting from St. Paul, Minnesota, “It was all pretty topical stuff, and fucking hilarious.”

The Pope had to pause several times throughout as laughter from the audience threatened to drown out his words.  During an extended bit about former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky escaping prison and posing as a priest–the perfect cover, he said–several members of the crowd laughed so hard they passed out.

“The joke he had about declaring the Vatican a breastfeeding-friendly zone–and then praying fervently for Kate Upton to get knocked up–that floored me,”said James Monte of Baltimore, Maryland, “You never expect to see the Pope simulate masturbating.”

After apologizing to anyone in attendance who may be offended, then immediately urging them to lighten up, Pope Francis said goodbye and left to a nearly 15 minute ovation and chants for an encore performance that never came.

“The Pope is absolutely a showman,” said Monte, “I’ll be telling the one about gay priests having skid marks on both the front and back of their underwear to all my friends back home.  He is definitely the Dane Cook of Popes.”