Suicide Bomber Worried He May Have Left Oven On

TEL AVIV–Khalid Farsoun, a 22 year-old Palestinian student, is currently sitting at a downtown bus stop wearing a bomb vest underneath his vintage Members Only jacket.  The sociology major was recently recruited by Hamas to strike a passenger bus during a busy afternoon, but he has so far watched four different buses stop to pick up passengers before resuming their routes.

“I am ready to die for Allah.  Seriously.  No doubt whatsoever,” Farsoun assures, “But I think I may have left the oven on in my apartment.”

Farsoun lives in a one room flat near the university where he is set to graduate at the end of the semester.  He says he is pretty sure he forgot to turn off the burner he used to make his breakfast this morning.  He doesn’t believe any of his neighbors are home right now who could check.

“The barbarian Jews deserve to die for the massacres they inflict on Palestinians in Gaza,” Faroun declares, “But my oven has open-flame burners.  If the flame is to go out, the apartment will fill with gas.  It could cause an explosion.”

Farsoun adds that even if the flame isn’t extinguished somehow, there is still a very high fire danger.

“The Israeli occupation of our holy lands is more than enough reason for me to lay down my life and the lives of many others,” Farsoun says, “But all my stuff is in that apartment.  Like, everything I own.  I recently bought an iPad.  Mostly for school, but you can stream movies and stuff, too.”

“And a fire or–Allah forbid–an explosion would cause a ton of property damage to both mine and my neighbors’ apartments,” Farsoun continues, “I just don’t think I can live with myself if I don’t go and at least make sure the oven is off.”


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