90% of Alabama Mosquitoes Suffer From Diabetes

TUSCALOOSA, Alabama–Researchers at the University of Alabama warned that the state’s mosquito population is at serious risk of completely dying out due to a crippling diabetes epidemic.  State Entomologist Wilbur Susman called the findings “alarming and potentially catastrophic.”

Susman believes the disease has been spread among state mosquitoes that have fed on the diabetes-rich blood of the state’s residents.  Alabamans boast a 110% diabetes rate.

“Mosquitoes play a very important role in the Alabama ecosystem,” Susman explained, “By spreading deadly diseases among Alabamans, they help keep the  human population manageable.  If Alabama human populations are left unchecked, they can pose serious problems on surrounding states.”

Susman estimates that over 90% of the state’s mosquitoes now suffer from diabetes, and unless they can find a food source alternative to the obese human population, that number is sure to rise.

“We tried an insulin treatment program, but it was unsuccessful,” Susman said, “We just ended up splitting the poor buggers in half with the needles.”

According to Susman, the treatment problems are compounded by the growing need for amputations among individual mosquitoes.

“It’s easy enough to amputate a mosquito limb–just pull it off,” Susman said, “But have you ever tried to catch a mosquito without squishing it?  And half the time when you pull off a leg, the whole mosquito tears in half.  Sometimes I think we’re doing more harm than good.”

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