This child is technically nine months old

MONTGOMERY, AL–Rep. Mike Hubbard, (R), is proposing a new bill that defines when human life begins, or personhood.  The personhood debate has raged across the country in recent years, drawing criticism from pro-choice groups who claim the discussion is less about the rights of a fetus and more about taking away a woman’s right to kill it.

Hubbard’s bill, which is expected to be overwhelmingly voted into law, states that life begins the first time a child speaks, in particular the first time he or she utters the “N” word.  Hubbard claims that he has scientific evidence that proves that in nearly 100% of pregnancies, this happens at the moment of conception.

“I’m not going to get into the science, you can look that up online,” Hubbard explains, “But let’s just imagine for a moment what this means.  If life begins at conception, that would make us nine months old at birth.  We get to have our first birthday party at three months.  I think everyone can get on board with that.”

Critics say that, even while ignoring the effects it would have on abortion rights, the law also promotes racism, a claim that Hubbard strongly refutes.

“The subjects I’ve personally heard, and there have been hundreds, never say the actual word,” Hubbard argues, “They use the socially accepted phrase, ‘The “N” Word’, instead.  This actually speaks to the high level of intelligence and racial sensitivity that all Alabamans are conceived with.”

“Of course,” he continues, “the subjects I’ve heard have all been white.  I can’t speak to what a black child says, if anything, upon conception.  But if you are familiar at all with rap music, one would imagine it is the full, heinous, hateful word.”

Republican leaders across the country, and even some sports organizations, are lauding the bill as a huge leap forward in both the abortion debate and race relations.

“We welcome the praise, because Alabama should be recognized for our progressive attitudes toward race and sex,” Hubbard says, “But let’s get back to the birthday aspect of this whole thing, and what that means.  Now we get two birthdays a year.  Alabamans will be able to live to a hundred in half the time.  Our lifespan will double that of the rest of the country, maybe triple it.  I tell you, it’s a pretty exciting time to be an Alabaman.”