Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey Sought in Quadruple Homicide Investigation

Photo of the suspect

WASHINGTON, D.C.–A two year-old Narragansett turkey is being described by police as the primary suspect in a quadruple homicide in Rock Creek Park.  The victims, two males and two females all in their twenties, were apparently enjoying a trail hike when they were attacked.  All four victims were bludgeoned with a 16 pound sledgehammer that was discovered at the scene.

Police have identified the suspect as Hasim Ahmad, a 26-pound bird from Long Island.  Just one year ago Ahmad was set to be executed by butchering before a last minute pardon by President Barack Obama.

  Two witnesses came upon the bodies and reportedly saw Ahmad fleeing from the scene.  After a brief chase, Ahmad flew off into the forest.  The witnesses identified the bird as Ahmad, who they say they recognized from news coverage of the pardon last year.

“It’s sickening, and terrifying” said Lt. John Harden, D.C. police spokesman, “To imagine the hatred this animal must have felt, to be able to swing a hammer that weighs almost as much as he does, and without hands to boot, and take four young lives.”

Critics have suggested that President Obama is indirectly responsible for the murders, having pardoned an apparently violent criminal who is now an alleged murderer.

I hate to bring up impeachment, but let’s impeach (President Obama),” said Senator Ted Cruz, a Republican from Texas, “Obama pardons this guy, and let’s be real here, this Muslim extremist.  The guy had been sentenced to death!  And then he goes out and murders four innocent white kids. This president has spent his entire presidency abusing his power.  I’m only thankful that these kids didn’t survive to try and use Obamacare to get their medical treatment.  That would have been the real crime.  Impeach this president, I say!”

So far the White House has been tight-lipped on the emerging story.  D.C. police are currently conducting a tree to tree search in and around the Rock Creek Park Area.

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