Just standing near Sheen has been proven to cause meth addiction

HOLLYWOOD–Police have taken to social media and the internet, along with more traditional means such as television and newspapers, to warn the public to avoid viewing a stolen sex tape that features 54 year-old actor Charlie Sheen.

The warning comes following the discovery of a 24 year-old Inglewood man dead in his parents’ home.  The victim had bragged on Twitter exactly one week earlier that he had viewed the Sheen sex tape, in which the 61 year-old star of Platoon and Wall Street engages in group sex with numerous prostitutes and zoo animals.  The man is the fifth victim discovered in the last month.

“This is an incredibly dangerous situation,” says Lt. Clancy Pinkerton, police spokesman, “Statistics show that nearly 97% of people view some kind of pornography on a daily basis, with some estimates actually 15% higher than that, so the chances of stumbling on this particular tape are extremely high.”

Lt, Pinkerton would not speculate when asked what about the Charlie Sheen sex tape in particular makes it so deadly, except to say, “something supernatural.”

Paranormal investigator Laura Bassey offered her own theory on why viewing the 70 year-old Sheen engaged in sweaty, apparently painful sexual intercourse with someone much younger who has obviously been paid to participate could be fatal.

“There is something inherently evil about Charlie Sheen with his clothes off,” Bassey says, “He has obviously been cursed to age at an advanced rate.  I believe that he is somehow stealing the living energy of those who view this sex tape in order to extend his own life.”

Pinkerton says there is no way to tell where the tape might be at this point, and the public should view all sex tapes as suspicious for the foreseeable future.  Bassey advises pornography enthusiasts to close their eyes tightly when beginning to watch porn, and only open them if they do not hear any incoherent, chemically-induced, malapropos ramblings by a deranged and withered old man.

“Pornography can be a beautiful thing, if enjoyed responsibly,” Bassey says, “But it can also be deadly.  The believe the most horrifying thing that these victims experience is the etched in memory of an 80 year-old Charlie Sheen grunting and sweating and gasping for air as he futilely stabs his half-flaccid penis against a 22 year-old’s buttocks.  Seven days of these types of memories followed by death.  The horror.  The horror.”