NFL to Fund Study on Effects of Concussions on Players’ Spouses
Spending less time online and more time cleaning has proven to be effective at reducing the risk of concussions NEW YORK CITY–In light of recent reports on the growing problem […]
Category Archives: Health
Texas Governor Suggests Abortion Could Gain Support if it Were Performed by Shooting the Fetus
AUSTIN, Texas—Earlier today Texas governor Greg Abbott told reporters he believes the state could easily change its wholesale opposition to abortion if there were a way to complete the procedure […]
“Exploding Arm Syndrome” Completely Unrelated to COVID-19 Vaccine, says Pfizer Rep
NEW YORK–Following the latest incident in which a man’s arm exploded into a cloud of red mist immediately after receiving his second dose of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, Dawn Wells, […]
Chick Accusing Co-Workers of Sexism Probably on the Rag or Something
CARY, Wyoming–Nancy Maines, a 24 year-old project manager, is apparently experiencing a heavier than normal menstrual cycle this month, her colleague Josh Simon reports. Maines recently filed a grievance with […]
Planned Parenthood to Hold Going-Out-of-Business Abortion Blowout Sale
NEW YORK CITY–Marge Burns, a spokesman for Planned Parenthood, announced today the abortion specialists will be ceasing operations as it appears almost a certainty that Congress will vote to cease […]
Surgeon General Warns Mosquitoes Not to Bite Miley Cyrus
WASHINGTON, D.C.–United States Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued a statement today warning mosquitoes to avoid contact with singer/actress Miley Cyrus. In recent months, mosquito communities across the nation have […]
Sean Hannity Diagnosed with Rare Form of Stupidity
NEW YORK CITY–Sean Hannity, host of the Fox News program Hannity, shocked his legions of fans today when he revealed that he has been diagnosed with an extremely rare and […]
Fucking Pussy Dies of Bird Flu
Newport, Rhode Island–Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu. Sources close to Mariucci say […]
Doctor Astonished to Detect Intermittent Brain Activity in Michele Bachmann
Bachmann was pretty surprised herself ST. PAUL, Minnesota–Dr. Kenneth Mason, a professor of neurology at the University of Minnesota School of Medicine, announced today that he has detected slight, intermittent […]
Controversial Therapy Transfers Homosexuality from Christians to Muslims
NORMAN, Oklahoma–Researchers at the University of Oklahoma announced today they have successfully developed an intense therapeutic regimen designed to free patients from the filthy homosexual lifestyle. The study–funded by a […]
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