Travolta proving how straight he is

HOLLYWOOD, Calif.–Noted pilot and movie actor John Travolta addressed for the first time longstanding rumors that he has engaged in numerous long-term homosexual affairs with dozens and dozens of men both young and old in an exclusive interview with BWN Hollywood correspondent Stark Majors.

BWN:  Literally every person who has seen a John Travolta movie can tell in less than a second that you’re completely gay.  Why wait until now to be open about how absolutely gay you are?

JT:  I honestly had no idea how gay I was.  It’s the proverbial can’t see the forest for the trees situation.  Everything I saw and did was gay, therefore nothing was gay.  You get what I’m saying?  But now that I’m cured, I understand what I was.

BWN:  You’re cured?  What are you cured of?

JT:  I’m cured of my gayness.  Is it gayness, is that the term?  Gaydom?  I’m cured of my gaydom.

BWN:  I’m not sure I understand.  How does one get cured of being a homosexual?

JT:  Scientology has helped me to understand the difference between a male rectum and a female rectum.  For one: there’s simply more hair.  Don’t get me wrong, those Italian girls can get pretty hairy.  I suppose if I had married a nice Italian girl I could have avoided this whole mess.  But then you’ve got the penis, which I never realized I wasn’t supposed to enjoy too…

BWN:  Okay, if I may interrupt.  You’re saying you enjoy the penis, but you’re no longer gay?

JT:  What I’m saying is that I enjoy a lot of things.  I’ve just been unable to separate sex and love, and I love everyone.  So I have sex with them.  It just so happens that I tend to be around more men than women.  

BWN:  How long have you been in treatment?

JT:  30 years.  It was soon after I made Staying Alive, which, in hindsight, was pretty fucking gay.

BWN:  So you’ve known you were gay for 30 years?  If you didn’t want to be gay, why continue having so much gay sex?

JT:  I didn’t realize I was gay, I just thought it was just more classes.  We’re always taking classes in Scientology.  That’s why Scientologist sounds so much like scientist, cause we’re real smart, you know.

BWN:  And how do you know that you are no longer gay?

JT:  David Miscavige, he’s this real important guy to Scientologists, he gave me a certificate saying I’m straight.  So I guess I’m straight.  Have you ever seen David Miscavige’s name in print?  Doesn’t it almost look like miscarriage?  It’s really weird.  Anyway.  I’m doing real good now, thanks.