Ah, the good old days
DETROIT, MI–Following a series of recalls of several of its models for faulty ignition switches, General Motors announced today that it is recalling a time, long ago, when its vehicles weren’t complete piles of shit.
GM VP of Development Robert Hoffman says the company has been spending countless hours recently just sitting back and reminiscing on the times when a consumer could trust the American automaker to provide him with a reliable, inexpensive car or truck that he would be proud to drive.
“Of course, there have always been stumbles,” Hoffman says, “Remember the Cavalier? My God. But even that was a huge seller. And cheap! I think the one I bought in high school cost about $5500 new. Now a Cobalt will run you upwards of $20,000. A fucking Cobalt!”
Hoffman says he and his GM colleagues literally have been whiling away huge chunks of each day just shooting the shit and talking about the GM vehicles they had growing up, and how those vehicles never gave them a problem.
“A couple of years ago there was a huge recall because of faulty airbags,” Hoffman recalls, “Fucking airbags! Are you kidding me? The old Chevy truck my old man drove when I was a kid didn’t even have seat belts or power steering. And it drove like a champ. My siblings and I would ride in the back going down the highway.”
Hoffman says he is confident that someone at GM is taking the necessary steps to ensure that any issues that arise in future models will be corrected in an expeditious manner before too many GM consumers are killed.
“We can’t keep killing the customers,” Hoffman asserts, “It’s bad for business. We depend on customer loyalty. That doesn’t happen if the customer dies because of a faulty GM vehicle. Honestly, when I’m doing my day to day errands, I drive a Porsche.”