Rogue Elf Accuses Santa Claus of Spying on American Citizens

He sees you when you’re sleeping…and who you’re sleeping with

NORTH POLE–An elf who left Santa Claus’s fortified compound last month in the dead of night has come forward with some troubling claims about the Jolly Old Elf.  Edgar (not his real name) says he has spent the past two decades in charge of Claus’s covert intelligence-gathering team, which decides whether children are “naughty or nice.”

According to Edgar, the operation goes far beyond what one might assume necessary for deciding what gifts go to whom, extending into people’s phone conversations and online activities.  Disturbingly, he says Claus has gone so far as to even gain video evidence of people’s sex lives.

“(Santa) doesn’t just know if you’ve been bad or good,” Edgar claims, “He knows if you’re cheating on your wife.  He knows if you’ve paid your taxes.  He knows what charities you’re contributing to.  He sees you when you’re sleeping?  Yeah, he sees you when you’re masturbating, too.”

Edgar says he has always been troubled by the lengths Claus has gone to obtain damning information on people, but has always believed that his work has been for the greater good.  But recently, with the advances in satellite technology and the preponderance of smart phones and internet access across the globe, he has started to see the work he has been doing as an invasion of privacy and civil rights.

Edgar also claims that his intelligence team has regularly hacked into social media sites like Facebook and Twitter to collect data that can be manipulated to place users on “naughty” lists.  Edgar is currently seeking refuge in Cuba while North Pole officials decide whether or not to seek prosecution against him for revealing state secrets.

“I didn’t do this to be a traitor,” Edgar says, “I did it because I love Christmas.  I just hate seeing what Santa Claus has become.  I think the world should think twice before allowing him into their homes this holiday season.”

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