Dallas Cowboys Coaches on Edge After Owner Jerry Jones Develops Ability to Kill with His Mind

I’m crushing your head!

ARLINGTON, TX–Sources described the mood around Dallas Cowboys headquarters this week as “nerve-wracking” following another crushing defeat, this time at the hands of the Detroit Lions.

“It’s a tough feeling to lose a game like that,” says Head Coach Jason Garrett, “Especially when everyone played their tails off.  I know Jerry (team owner Jerry Jones) was particularly disappointed.  Everyone is kind of walking on egg shells around him.  Especially since he is now somehow able to kill folks with his mind.”

Jones discovered this unique new ability late Sunday night following the game against the Lions.  During post-game television coverage, NBC host Bob Costas made harshly critical statements regarding the direction of the Cowboys, prompting Jones, who was having a late dinner with a group of business partners, to shout at the television, “Drop dead!” Jones and his group watched in stunned silence as Costas suddenly fell dead on live television.

“(Jones) tried it again later, when the waiter brought the bill,” says Walter Harris, Jones’ lawyer and longtime friend, “And sure enough, the waiter fell dead.  We were all a little nervous after that.  I tell you, I wouldn’t want to be on the Dallas Cowboys if they lose another game this season.”

Word of Jones’ new ability quickly spread throughout the Cowboys organization.  Garrett says he and his coaching staff plan to use the news as a way to motivate the team.

“When you have an owner, especially one who has never been shy about confronting his coaches and the players, suddenly develop this frightening ability to kill with his thoughts, that’s a real eye-opener,” Garrett says, “But the great thing is, there is no gray area here.  If you don’t do your job, Jerry Jones will simply order you to drop dead, and you will drop dead.  If that don’t make you work harder, then nothing will.”

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