Yeakel: “There will be blood, oh yes!”

AUSTIN, TX–In a move that stunned supporters of live babies, U.S. District Judge Lee Yeakel ruled yesterday that key provisions of House Bill 2 are unconstitutional.  The controversial bill is designed to ensure that no matter the danger to the mother, or to society as a whole, a woman shall never undergo an abortion under threat of death by stoning.  Furthermore, the bill states that a woman shall maintain a body-fat level of under 21%, with a promise of certain tax incentives to those women who are able to maintain a consistent body-fat level under 18%.  The bill also makes it a misdemeanor for a woman to alter her pubic hair by cutting or shaving without the written consent of her husband or father.

“This is a huge victory for women in Texas,” says Sen. Wendy Davis, D-Fort Worth, a woman, “Especially those women who enjoy killing their unborn children.”

The decision by Judge Yeakel was particularly surprising because, in addition to finding the bill largely unconstitutional, he took things a step further by ordering Texas to actually increase the number of abortions performed in the state.  Yeakel says he would like to see abortions increase by 20% by 2015, with an ultimate goal of a statewide 75% abortion rate by 2025.

“The fact is, there are just too many fucking Texans,” Yeakel explains, “Any time there is a problem in this state, you’re sure to find a Texan close by.  The whole idea of this bill is counter-intuitive.  If you make it harder to get an abortion, you’re just going to have more Texans.  Does anybody want that?”

Davis, a perky blonde who would easily qualify for the tax incentives offered under the bill, has been its chief opponent from day one.  In June, she famously filibustered the state senate in an effort to thwart the bill, during which she acted out the entire episode of Maude in which Bea Arthur’s character Maude Findlay has an abortion.  At the end of the filibuster, Davis completely disrobed and defiantly shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a lightening bolt.

“It’s time we change our positions in Texas,” Davis says, “Texans have always had a ‘Kill you later’ attitude, forcing babies to be born into a state that shapes them into murderous adults, and then giving them the death penalty.  Why not nip the problem in the bud?  You can’t kill someone if you were never born, right?  It just makes sense.”