Something about these scenic vistas sets off murderous impulses

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, IL—In what has become a macabre yearly ritual, authorities at this seemingly idyllic lakeside community have discovered the bodies of a dozen teenage counselors at the Camp Crystal Lake summer camp.  Several of the bodies, six males and six females, had been dismembered, and two couples were impaled during the act of lovemaking.  One girl, 17 year-old Nancy Loomis, a late-bloomer who hasn’t had much time for boys, managed to survive.

“It just doesn’t figure,” said Sheriff Paul Kruger at the scene, “I don’t get why these kids keep coming out here.  Every year they all get massacred, and every year we shut the place down.  Then some big shot from the city comes out and opens it back up, even though the townspeople tell him this place is cursed.  Some folks never learn.”

Kruger said the counselors spent the afternoon cleaning the campgrounds in anticipation of the campers who were due to arrive later in the week.  After the chores were done, the youngsters began drinking beer and smoking marijuana, except for Loomis, who appears plain-looking at first but on closer inspection is quite stunning, who retired to her cabin alone to read.

“When the kids were partying, they began breaking up into smaller groups,” Kruger said, “I guess that’s when the killer struck.”

A trail-cam caught part of the action

Details remain sketchy, but Kruger says the 17 year-old Loomis was somehow able to elude the masked assailant after he picked off her friends one by one, until they were all dead.  Loomis apparently was then able to convince the murderer, who she said wore the mask to hide his hideously disfigured face, that she was a long-deceased member of his family.  Loomis then proceeded to attack the man with a machete, causing him to fall into the lake, dead.

“We’ve been dragging the lake,” Kruger said, “So far we haven’t recovered the body, but we don’t really expect to.  Every year there’s one survivor, and every year she kills the killer, who falls into the lake and is gone.  That lake just has a way of making a body disappear.  As I see it, this case is closed.”

Kruger refused to speculate on the reason so many murderers seem to live on the lake, but said he is thankful that another one has been killed.

“It’s just one less murderer we have to deal with,” he said, “We’ve actually been lucky in that every year when one of these fellas starts murdering kids, one of them will survive and kill him before we even get a call.  It’s just too bad the killer always gets so many of them first.  You’d think them kids would learn.”