WICHITA–As the nation braces for new and stricter gun laws, small time crooks are being forced to consider alternate career paths.  Tougher background checks will likely make it so difficult for convicted felons and the mentally ill to get their hands on guns that they will have to be more creative when it comes to breaking the law.

“Armed robberies were my main source of income,” says Tom Corbin, a local mugger, “but after I sold my last hand gun to score some meth, I haven’t been able to buy a new one.  People are too afraid of getting into trouble for selling it to me.”

As a result, Corbin, like many others, has turned to rape to satisfy his criminal needs. 

“Rape really is the only thing getting me through these tough times,” Corbin says, “I used to really enjoy shooting people after robbing them, but without a gun, I don’t have that enjoyment anymore.  And things ain’t likely to change.  The only good thing is they can’t take my dick away.”

Or maybe they can.  According to Arnie Deakins, a college freshman who once was seriously considering shooting up his school, President Obama has a two part plan: first take away Americans’ guns, and then actually forcibly remove their penises. 

“I had to completely rethink my American dream,” Deakins says, “There’s no way I can buy up enough ammo to take out more than a handful of students now.  Homeland security is buying up all the ammo so the American people can’t get their hands on it.  And then they’re going to come after our dicks.  At one time, I was considering getting into rape, but Obama’s going to take that away, too.”

In the meantime, career criminals like Corbin are continuing to rape everyone they can to make ends meet. 

“Times are definitely tough,” Corbin says, “I’m committing just as many rapes as I can, sometimes 15 or 20 a week, just in case Obama does come after our dicks.  And you better too, if you like having your freedom.”