Step one: Always be working out

HOLLYWOOD, Calif–Friends of actor Mark Wahlberg say they have listened to him describe his personal strategy to win the American Ninja Warrior skills competition so many times that they can all recite it verbatim.

“Uppa body, uppa body, uppa body,” Jason Smith, Wahlberg’s neighbor says with a chuckle, “I can’t really do his voice, but that’s how he starts it off.”

American Ninja Warrior is a sports entertainment competition program that features contestants taking on a series of extreme obstacle courses that require exceptional strength, balance and stamina.  Wahlberg has assured his friends and acquaintances that he possesses all three traits in abundance.

“You’ve gotta wuck those shouldas.  Wuck em!” says Nick Castro, manager of the gas station down the street from Wahlberg’s gym, “Mr. Wahlberg really has me convinced that his plan is gonna work.  He’s pretty intense.”

“Those bahs?  Those bahs?  You think I’m scared of those fuckin monkey bahs?” Marty Simon, Wahlberg’s butcher says, “I’m a muthafuckin supastah!  I trained with the Navy Seals!  I might as well be a Navy fuckin Seal!  I’m a big bright shining stah!”

Simon says that Wahlberg hasn’t decided whether he will ever actually enter the American Ninja Warrior competition, but that he just wants everyone to know that if he were to take on the course he would conquer it rather easily.

“Mr. Wahlberg is a busy guy, so who knows if he’ll ever find the time to compete,” Simon continues, “But just knowing he could do it if he wanted to is enough.  It’s like the comfort folks who lost loved ones on 9/11 felt after he told them things would have turned out different if he’d have been there.  He’s just a really special guy.”