Tebow: “This is Satan’s idea of a fucking workout!”
GAINESVILLE, FL—As former New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow looks for his next contract with an NFL team needing a terrible backup quarterback, he can’t help but think about the direction his career has taken since the end of the 2011 NFL season, when he was the toast of Denver. The Broncos had made him the starter after Kyle Orton had struggled, and the entire league watched in awe as Tebow led the team to several late comeback wins and into the playoffs, where he threw a game-winning touchdown pass in overtime. As the team celebrated the win, Tebow thanked Jesus on national television. But, it would be the last time.
“I guess I got a little bit greedy,” Tebow says, “Jesus has been good to me my whole football career, but Satan convinced me that there was more for me. With his help, I could be the greatest quarterback who ever played. So far, it hasn’t worked out that way. But, I have to trust in Satan.”
Soon after the Broncos lost in the second round of the 2011 playoffs, Tebow and Jesus went to visit Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, who was struggling with a potentially career-ending neck injury. Tebow laid his hands on Manning’s neck and it was healed. But when he was asked about it later, Tebow never mentioned Jesus. The next day he announced that he was turning his life and career over to Satan.
“I have to admit I was pretty much blindsided,” says Jesus, “We had a pretty good thing going. Win few games, get a reputation as a great locker room guy, and also gain worldwide love and adoration. There’s more to life than football. The guy could have become a religious leader.”
As Tebow and Satan mapped out a career trajectory that included multiple Super Bowl MVPs and a marriage to supermodel Kate Upton, Jesus went to work on a new client: Peyton Manning.
“Peyton was having a rough time,” Jesus says, “The Colts waived him so they could draft Andrew Luck. Things were looking pretty grim for him. Teams weren’t sure if the neck was healed. But I know some of the guys in Denver and I was able to convince them that Peyton was a safer bet than Tim. Sure, it took a leap of faith on the Broncos’ part, but, hey, I’m freakin’ Jesus.”
To make room for Manning, the Broncos traded Tebow, the quarterback who only a few months earlier been the most popular guy in town, to the Jets, where he rarely saw the field during the 2012 season before ultimately being cut after the team selected quarterback Geno Smith in the second round of the rookie draft. Now Tebow and Satan are forced to look for the next opportunity, without much luck yet. So far, Kate Upton hasn’t returned his text messages either.
“I don’t see it as getting revenge,” says Jesus, “But no one likes being replaced. The guy was a total fucking Judas. So I gave him one of the old ‘The power of Christ compels you’ type of deals.”
So far, Tebow has remained loyal to his new agent of evil. But as the course of his career veers further off course, he can’t help but wonder what might have been.
“We all make mistakes,” Tebow says, “But I’m not ready to say going to Satan was a mistake. Not yet. I just have to continue to trust that Satan knows what’s best for me.”