TUNICA, MS–Traveling backward through time from the year 2075, Commander Flex Hardman arrived today in this casino town with a very specific mission. Cdr. Hardman, who is an expert in advanced weapons and tactics, and came armed with fully-automatic laser-guided plasma weapons, and who has devoted the past 18 months of his life enduring intense training specifically for this mission, which he says will determine whether humanity continues its existence or descend towards extinction, says the odds of him completing the mission have increased from a million to one to “probably 50 billion to one” given that he completely forgot the name of the woman he has been sent through time to protect.
“This mission would have been dangerous even if I had known the name of the mother of our future,” sighs Hardman, “Which, I mean, I did know, once upon a time. She’s in all the textbooks in the future. I think my school was even named after her. I probably should have minded my studies a little more.”
Hardman says the woman is destined to give birth to three children who she will teach to lead humanity in a great war that will come in the not-too-distant future between man and machine. He says mankind’s future enemies have harnessed the ability to travel through time, and will send a half-flesh, half-machine killer cyborg with the sole mission to kill this woman before she ever gives birth.
“So basically she’s a pretty big deal,” Hardman explains, “I probably should have written her name down. Or had it tattoed on my body. That would have been a great idea, and kind of badass.”
Hardman says that at this point he’s probably just going to have to stumble upon the woman through sheer luck and hope he recognizes her, which he should since her picture is literally plastered all over every school and government building in the future. He says her picture is even on the 2075 $100 bill, but he spent his last one on a lottery ticket the day before he left.
“The bad thing is this cyborg is really good at killing,” he says, “It feels no pain, no emotion; you can’t bargain with it or beg for mercy. Plus, it has pretty accurate and up-to-date files containing all sorts of useful information stored in its central processor, including–I’m sure–her name. Probably her home address and place of work, as well. It all sounds pretty gloomy when you say it out loud.”