This is either about the government, or Justin Bieber is coming to town
ISTANBUL—BWN foreign correspondent Stark Majors reports that there appears to be some pretty heavy shit going down in this city of nearly 14 million. Protests have sprung up across the city, the heaviest concentration near the city’s commercial center, with the protestors gathering in a city park.
“I’m honestly not sure what this is all about,” Majors reports, “I don’t have much of an ear for Turkish. In fact, I’m so bad at it that I haven’t even been able to communicate a request for a translator. It probably has something to do with the prime minister, but I have no idea how to pronounce his name.”
Majors says protests have spread across the nation, including in the capital city of Ankara. He says several locals have motioned toward the park as a possible catalyst for the protests, though he quickly dismissed that possibility as too silly.
“I’m not sure what role the park would play in demonstrations like these,” Majors says, “These people don’t look anything like your classic hippie. They’re dark and scary. When they start screaming in Turkish and throwing stones, it’s enough to chill the blood in your veins. Somehow it’s scarier when you can’t understand what they’re saying, you know what I mean?”
Majors says as frightening as the scenes around the city are, which he compares to scenes from the film, Children of Men, he doesn’t expect the violence to escalate much further.
“But honestly, what do I know?” Majors says, “I was wrong about Syria. I was wrong about Egypt. These fuckers keep sending me to these countries to report on things I honestly have no clue about. And no, I don’t speak Syrian or Egyptian either. I’m a mass communications major. I didn’t even have to pick up a book to make it through college. Wait, you know what I just realized? How ironic is it that a mass communications major wouldn’t be able to communicate with anyone he encounters anywhere he goes? It would seem funny if I wasn’t in this God-forsaken city surrounded by potential violence.”