Pro-life demonstrators react to the news

WASHINGTON D.C.—President Obama today was forced to answer questions regarding a previously unreported aspect of his Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, which will use tax revenue from the more than 50 tax hikes that fund the program to pay claims on life insurance policies.

“This is supposed to help with health insurance, not life insurance,” House Speaker John Boehner declared after learning of the benefit, “And on top of that, legal tax-paying citizens aren’t even eligible for this coverage. This is exclusively available to illegal immigrants. I didn’t sign up for this, and neither did the American people.”

The life insurance benefit was uncovered by Rick Foster, former chief actuary for Medicare. Foster says this form of life insurance is rarely offered, as it only pays off in the event of an abortion. The primary point of contention with the GOP is that the benefit will only be made available to people who are in the country illegally.

“If a young female illegal immigrant gets pregnant, she will have the option of taking out life insurance on the fetus,” Foster explained, “The policy pays in the event that she decides to have an abortion. It is a moral gray area, sure, but there could be substantial long term cost benefits that outweigh the short term.”

Speaking to reporters, President Obama defended the life insurance benefit, calling it a ‘necessary evil’ that will not only stabilize the fracturing of illegal immigrant families, but also help stimulate the economy.

“The purpose of this benefit is two-fold,” Obama explained, “First, it will provide an economically viable alternative to bringing an unwanted child into this world. You all know how large a Mexican family can get if left un-checked. This benefit will aggressively address that growing problem, while over time actually reducing the overall Latino population. I think that’s something Americans can get behind.”

“Second,” he continued, “The payout on this benefit, which is capped at $2,500 per aborted fetus, will make a huge difference in those low income neighborhoods where illegal immigrants tend to live. Without having to use food stamps to buy those items that eat up so much of a family’s finances like baby shoes, baby clothes, diapers and so on, beneficiaries can use this actual, honest to goodness real money can be used on higher end items like car stereos and flat screen TVs and iPod Shuffles and truly begin to experience the American Dream.”

A short time later Boehner held a press conference to respond to the president’s comments. He again asserted the GOP’s strong objection to the benefit in its current form, but said he would be willing to work toward a compromise.

“While I strongly believe that this benefit, in its current state, will increase the flow of illegal immigrants into this country, I think the underlying principles are sound,” Boehner said, “If we can come up with something that works for everyone, this might actually be a long-term solution to the immigration problem. You’ve got to hand it to the president, he sees the big picture.”