HOLLYWOOD—The on-again off-again feature film adaptation of the Corey Feldman autobiography, I’m Not As Bad As You Think I Am, is off again, according to executives at Warner Bros., where the project has long languished in development hell.
“I’m not really sure how the rumor even got started that we were ever involved,” says Michael Winters, VP of Development, “I’ve never seen a script, never even read the book. I honestly wasn’t really sure who the guy was.”
According to Winters, his assistant brought him up to speed on Feldman’s career, which flourished in the mid to late 80s when he starred in classics like The Lost Boys and Stand By Me. Mildly intrigued, Winters says he asked another vice president of development to look into it.
“I was pretty excited when I heard about the project,” says VP of Development Art Coman, “Kid’s a huge star, then falls heavy into drugs, fights his way back to respectability before relapsing and dying. Man, that’s some heavy shit. With the right actor, it has Oscar written all over it. You can imagine my disappointment when I realized we were talking about the one who didn’t die.”
According to Feldman’s publicist, the main sticking point has been finding the right actor to convey the star’s combination of enormous talent, sexual bravado and musical chops.
“Mark Wahlberg’s name came up once when we were just fucking around,” Coman says, “He’s short, not too talented, something like this would be right in his wheelhouse. His agent was pretty stoked when we started talking about it. Then they also figured out we were talking about the one who didn’t die, and they lost interest. It’s too bad, because with someone like him attached, a real star, this would get made, no problem.”
Rumors began anew when word leaked that the script had ended up on the desk of another executive at the studio, who, according to sources, showed strong interest in seeing the film finally get made.
“People are always putting scripts like this on my desk, just to fuck around,” says Wes Burnam, VP of Development, “You should read this thing. According to this he turned down Lord of the Rings because the production was harmful to the environment. Any actor would fuck his own mom to book that film. He claims he starred in some movies he wasn’t even in. There’s a ten page sequence of just him dancing.”
For his part, Feldman says this latest setback will just strengthen his resolve to get this film made.
“I owe it to my fans,” Feldman says, “They deserve to see this story on screen. And not the small screen. They’ve seen the E! True Hollywood Story already. I’ve crawled through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side. I want Corey Feldman fans to experience that.”