Critics Growing Impatient With God’s “Mysterious Ways”

“It’s like he thinks he’s Bono or something.”

HEAVEN–Reports out of the eternal paradise echo earlier concerns that those closest to the Heavenly Father are beginning to grow weary of His perceived lack of trust when it comes to sharing important information.

News of the tense situation comes on the heels of intense criticism following God’s handling of a case involving a teenage boy, active in the Young Republicans, whose death in a school shooting resulted in a young lesbian woman receiving a life saving heart operation using his donated organ.  Not long after news of the story broke an AP reporter learned the young woman had an abortion two years prior, after being raped by her father.

“God’s handling of the situation raised some eyebrows,” says Theo Rothstein, God’s former business partner and a vocal Heavenly critic, “Obviously, He has never made public His thoughts on homosexuality, other than some random quotes taken out of context in a centuries-old book, but the popular belief is, God isn’t a big fan of the gays.

“And this woman is also an abortionist.  Or is it aborter?  Either way, she’s a baby killer.  Maybe if He would, once and for all, issue some kind of statement regarding abortion, and homosexuality for that matter, we wouldn’t have to deal with this kind of controversy.”

The only statement issued by Heaven on the matter has been the standard press release stating, “The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways.”  But for Rothstein and a growing number of critics, that isn’t good enough.

“What’s his stance on global warming?” Rothstein asks, “Oh, he’s not saying?  Al Gore tells me the poles are melting and I’m standing here in the middle of a goddamn polar vortex.  My mom’s dying of cancer and Justin Bieber is climbing out of bed with a supermodel.  You’re damn right the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Rothstein claims that God keeps detailed files on every human being on the planet, a seemingly dangerous amount of information for one entity to possess.  But it’s not the fact that He has the data that troubles Rothstein, it’s that no one knows what He might do with it.

“I would just love a little transparency,” he says, “I think we all would.  Why are people on God’s payroll molesting little boys?  We assume it’s a sin, but how do we even know that for sure?  Maybe we’re not paying close enough attention.  Maybe God’s pro-choice.  I mean, He had His own son aborted.  It was pretty late term, but murder is murder, am I right?”

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