This was the greeting party

HEAVEN—Burt Sommers lived 59 years as a truly devout Christian, attending church three times a week along with weekly bible study sessions. But after dying last week from cancer, Sommers is now asking himself if his devotion to Christ was really worth it.

“At first I thought it was a practical joke,” Sommers says, “I mean, He was really brown. Dark brown. The pictures you see of Jesus depict him as a white man, so naturally I expected God to look at least a little similar. Not even close.”

Sommers says that while he was aware that the Christian God and Muslim Allah are one and the same, he always pictured a few subtle differences.

“You wouldn’t imagine God having a uni-brow, but it’s there,” Sommers goes on, “Distractingly there. And I know he was fresh out of the shower, but he looked dirty. Maybe it’s just me, but Heaven isn’t at all what I expected.”

Sommers was ultimately allowed into Heaven, but he says that he was surprised by how underwhelmed he was by the entire experience. He compares his reaction to the time he stood in line four hours to see the premiere of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.

“I’m not saying it was as bad as Phantom Menace, but it was a little disappointing,” Sommers says, “I guess I just had too high of expectations. You always hear about streets paved with gold and that’s definitely not the way it is. It’s like I’m a Mexican coming to America for the first time and winding up in El Paso.”

“And another thing,” he continues, “All the women in Heaven? Yeah, they have to wear hijabs. And veils. So congratulations ladies, if you make it here.”

Sommers describes Heaven as “really sandy,” and says another aspect of death that really surprised him is that suicide bombers really do receive a reward that includes 72 virgins. But, he advises, it’s not as great as it sounds.

“The 72 virgins thing is real, that’s true,” Sommers says, “But when you see them, you realize exactly why they remained virgins on earth. It’s not so much due to religious fervor, if you know what I mean. I don’t know anyone more devoted to Christianity than I was, and I got laid at 15. At church camp! Man, if I had it all to do over again.”