WASHINGTON, D.C.–Amid growing concerns that there may be intelligent life in the universe, U.S. Representative Alan Fudd (R-ID) has introduced a bill that would fund construction of a massive chain-link and barbed wire fence that will completely envelope the Earth in an effort to secure the planet’s interstellar border.
“We have to expand the scope of our current policies concerning illegal aliens to now include illegal space aliens,” Fudd reasoned, “Otherwise, instead of just needing to learn Spanish to communicate with our neighbors, we may be forced to try and learn a language our primitive brains cannot possibly comprehend.”
Fudd warned that attempting to learn such a language could result in massive brain damage that might make Earthlings susceptible to persuasion from an illegal space alien race.
“These alien overlords may be able to convince us of the existence of invisible beings and force us to blindly worship them,” Fudd theorized, “Perhaps they would just drive us from our lands and steal our resources to power their massive alien starships.”
Fudd also suggested that some as-yet-unknown illegal space alien race could already be trying to infiltrate our world society, perhaps even using the aforementioned powers of persuasion to brainwash government officials and influence national and international politics.
“But they haven’t gotten to me yet. Or at least I hope they haven’t. I guess, come to think of it, I really wouldn’t know, would I?” Fudd said, “But one thing I do know is that if we are to allow intelligent life onto our planet, it will threaten our very existence. That’s why this fence is so important.”