Rodman’s spying motto: Fuck incognito
LANGLEY, VA–Basketball Hall of Famer and former NBA All-Star Dennis Rodman was named the 2013 recipient of the coveted Sterling Hayden Award, given each year to the CIA’s number one spy. Rodman was honored for his systematic infiltration of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s inner circle, where the former Chicago Bull and Detroit Piston star was able to influence state policy, including a daring operation that culminated with the execution of Kim’s uncle, Jang Song-thaek, who was reportedly attempting to overthrow the government.
“Dennis Rodman has shown an uncanny ability to downplay his intellect to the point that he can appear almost mentally retarded,” said Kiefer Sutherland, who emceed the ceremony, “It was with this incredible acting ability that Dennis was able to gain the trust of the North Korean government, who viewed him as possessing the mind of a deaf, dumb four-year old child, and therefore a threat to no one. He has been able to alter the course of North Korean history with a series of grunts and half-uttered nonsense.”
Upon hearing his name announced, Rodman appeared genuinely surprised, but somehow managed to remain in character as he moved to the stage to give his acceptance speech, which was little more than a mumbled thank you followed by an incoherent soliloquy about a princess who lived inside a thimble due to unchecked government spending.
“It was a remarkable speech,” said Sutherland, “You were able to get a true feel for why Kim Jong Un considers Dennis harmless. He really came across as mentally impaired. It is inspiring to see someone who loves his country so much that he is willing to present such a comically moronic version of himself to the public.”
Rodman is preparing to return to North Korea in a few weeks, under the premise of preparing the North Korean national basketball team for an exhibition game against former NBA players. But American intelligence officials hope he will also continue to develop his relationship with Kim Jong-Un,
“Kim Jong-Un is a murderous despot, that much is true,” said CIA spokesman Richard Monitor, “But he is also an incompetent fool. We view his regime similar to the way one would view a rival football team. If your rival has a shitty coach, you don’t really want to see him get fired. We hope Kim has a long tenure in North Korea.”